Monday, February 7, 2011

how i got the bends

Blog, you gotta hear this!

Today I was captaining a bathyscaphe somewhere in the Mariana Trench (broke a few world records etc etc, yawn) when the most amazing thing ever happened!

Had to stop for a quick photo of me and the ship! Mariana Trench is in the background bein a creeper LOL.

About an hour into the trip all the lights in the sub went out! There was a huge crash and I knocked myself out on the steering wheel. Subs have steering wheels.

I woke up eventually and the lights were back on, but when I ran a diagnostic test on the ship I found out the propeller was broken! To fix the propeller I had to swim around in pressures that would instantly crush my lungs. I didn't have much time so I threw together a quick solution to the problem:

The water was freezing but I didn't really give a shit. While I was working on the propeller these strange blue orbs kept flickering in the distance. I figured it was just some sea monster trying to lure me in, kinda like how a cool guy lures in Native American ghosts with a rabbit and a Ouija board/Recording studio. But then the orbs got closer and I realized they were actually attached to a small squid!


The little guy had the strangest tentacles I'd ever seen! Six of them drifted behind the squid while the other two stayed up front. I began wondering if it even was a squid...

A far more accurate and realistic depiction of the beast.

I was almost done fixing the propeller at this point, just had to reattach the protective shield, and as I did this the squid floated behind me and observed the whole process. When I finished up he started poking curiously at the metal with his front tentacles. I'd never seen such behavior in a squid before, so I chose to investigate further...

I swam a few yards away from the sub and settled on the ocean floor. The squid followed me. I bent down and drew a circle in the sand. The squid observed my drawing for awhile and started adding to it with his tentacles. He was drawing the propeller!

I tested the creature for hours until I was absolutely certain: This squid was a sentient, intelligent life form! Living on our planet! Can you believe it, Blog? Imagine the profound implications that would come with such a discovery! How would humans react to this? I wanted to know more about this animal...

Using my keen intellect I developed a rudimentary pidgin to communicate with the squid. I convinced him to lead me back to his home. We didn't swim long before other, similar creatures came into view. I appeared to be on the outcroppings of an entire squid village! They were obviously very social creatures, swimming around in packs, building housing units out of massive mounds of sand.

It was such an extraordinary sight, Blog! Non-human civilization! So many things were going through my head that I didn't notice the other submarine quietly descending. And by then, it was too late...

Those god damned Christians wiped out every squid in the village. I paddled away before they saw me. Furious and depressed, I headed back to my bathyscaphe and placed a beacon in the sand before taking off for home.

Mark my words, Blog. I will avenge those sentient squids. Except right now I've got a bunch of homework to do so it'll have to wait til Spring Break or something LOL.



  1. omg this is pure genius!! those damn christians line really just made me crack up!! keep this up is hilarious!

  2. I'm jealous, I just have a movie review blog. Yours is like tripping on acid...

  3. OMFG! Hahahaha this made me laugh so hard, cool blog you've got hahaha damn christians at anything different!

  4. Rofl this is great. You my friend have a talent!

  5. Why did you have a submarine in the first place? also lol.

  6. that's funny hahaha,funny post and nice blog,support

  7. You are a joker!!