Monday, February 14, 2011

time and space died yesterday

How are you doing today, Blog?

Well I've been doing shitty. Yesterday I was barely making ends-meet working as a dime-novelist in 1870s New England. My novels were all about the same man, a fictional cowboy with an impossibly large number of children and a beef with the Union Pacific. I called him Fertile Bill.

Critics claimed I could be the greatest novelist of the 19th century if I got out of the Train-Violence/Porn game and focused my efforts on a more respectable genre. I always told those uptight daffodils the same thing:

But, overall, things were going alright for me. I had enough money for food and booze and toy trains and lacy little braziers that you can put on toy trains. What more could I want? Plus, I was about finished with my magnum opus, Fertile Bill Traps a Train Then Finds Work Testing Contraceptives. In truth, I was nervous about how the public would react to it, as much of the novel is dedicated to an exhaustive description of what Fertile Bill calls an "Oklahoma Train Trap."

Yeah. Think about it.

Then everything went to shit. I was at home writing last night when there was a knock on the door. Waiting for me on the porch was a very short, bearded man with full cowboy accoutrement.

"Dear Christ, you're the shortest fucking cowboy I've ever seen!" I greeted him kindly.
"RAAAAAAAAHHHRRG," he replied, and kicked me six feet back into my house. I wasn't about to have any of that shit from a tiny cowboy, so I tackled him into my yard and beat him to death. As I was pulling out his wallet for completely admirable reasons an ID card fell to the ground.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

sorry noam


I'm currently trapped in a gigantic spiderweb. Not sure how long it'll be before the spiders (it's a swarm of regular-sized spiders, not one giant spider) come back to feast, so I'm gonna have to make this one quick...

I've been here for a few hours now, but I haven't just been hanging around this whole time! I saw this as an opportunity for research! But not just any research: meaningless corpus linguistics research! I gotta tell you, Blog, linguistic corpora have gotten me through some pretty dark times in my life. Sorting through all that neatly parsed data is just so soothing, so sensual, so... erotic.

I hate this joke, but the picture took  so long to make that I'm keeping it. god dammit

...anyway, I decided to look into something that I had noticed recently. It seems to me that people use the word "really" a lot! At least in comparison with other adverbs... So I thought "What the fuck" and busted out the old Corpus of Historical American English [link] and did a basic search for "really" and recorded the results from each decade from 1810 to 2000. Check out these wicked ass results, yo.

awww fuck, empirical evidence

Holy fuck, Blog! Do you see that? Americans say "really" way more now than we ever did before! Pretty cool to be able to observe language changi--Blog shut up I hear something coming! 

It's Noam Chomsky! Hi Noam!

>>Hello. I am Noam Chomsky

Right! Can you help me out here?

>>Sure thing. Just gotta maneuver around your boner.

It's not what you think, Noam! I was just looking up something in COHA and--

>>You what? Corpus Linguistics? Are you fucking serious?

Whoa, guy, it's not that big of a deal...

>>You're a disgrace. Completely misapplying yourself. l8r.

Hey Blog, that guy was a real asshole, I'm gonna go :( xoxoxo :(

Monday, February 7, 2011

how i got the bends

Blog, you gotta hear this!

Today I was captaining a bathyscaphe somewhere in the Mariana Trench (broke a few world records etc etc, yawn) when the most amazing thing ever happened!

Had to stop for a quick photo of me and the ship! Mariana Trench is in the background bein a creeper LOL.

About an hour into the trip all the lights in the sub went out! There was a huge crash and I knocked myself out on the steering wheel. Subs have steering wheels.

I woke up eventually and the lights were back on, but when I ran a diagnostic test on the ship I found out the propeller was broken! To fix the propeller I had to swim around in pressures that would instantly crush my lungs. I didn't have much time so I threw together a quick solution to the problem:

The water was freezing but I didn't really give a shit. While I was working on the propeller these strange blue orbs kept flickering in the distance. I figured it was just some sea monster trying to lure me in, kinda like how a cool guy lures in Native American ghosts with a rabbit and a Ouija board/Recording studio. But then the orbs got closer and I realized they were actually attached to a small squid!


The little guy had the strangest tentacles I'd ever seen! Six of them drifted behind the squid while the other two stayed up front. I began wondering if it even was a squid...

A far more accurate and realistic depiction of the beast.

I was almost done fixing the propeller at this point, just had to reattach the protective shield, and as I did this the squid floated behind me and observed the whole process. When I finished up he started poking curiously at the metal with his front tentacles. I'd never seen such behavior in a squid before, so I chose to investigate further...

I swam a few yards away from the sub and settled on the ocean floor. The squid followed me. I bent down and drew a circle in the sand. The squid observed my drawing for awhile and started adding to it with his tentacles. He was drawing the propeller!

I tested the creature for hours until I was absolutely certain: This squid was a sentient, intelligent life form! Living on our planet! Can you believe it, Blog? Imagine the profound implications that would come with such a discovery! How would humans react to this? I wanted to know more about this animal...

Using my keen intellect I developed a rudimentary pidgin to communicate with the squid. I convinced him to lead me back to his home. We didn't swim long before other, similar creatures came into view. I appeared to be on the outcroppings of an entire squid village! They were obviously very social creatures, swimming around in packs, building housing units out of massive mounds of sand.

It was such an extraordinary sight, Blog! Non-human civilization! So many things were going through my head that I didn't notice the other submarine quietly descending. And by then, it was too late...

Those god damned Christians wiped out every squid in the village. I paddled away before they saw me. Furious and depressed, I headed back to my bathyscaphe and placed a beacon in the sand before taking off for home.

Mark my words, Blog. I will avenge those sentient squids. Except right now I've got a bunch of homework to do so it'll have to wait til Spring Break or something LOL.


Friday, February 4, 2011

throbbing blog

Dear Blog,

Have you ever wondered what Daft Punk would sound like if its members were not two Frenchmen but three retarded Indians? It's a question that's been bothering me for weeks! Well, Blog, today I decided to answer my offensive little query...

Geographically speaking, I'm at a disadvantage when it comes to recording Native Americans, let alone the very few handicapped ones. With that in mind I decided the only responsible course of action would be to bust out the old Ouija board/Recording Studio and see if I could lure in any stray Natarded Americans. Yes I made that joke.

Fishing for Indian ghosts is easy. They're a proud people and absolutely love showing us how right they were about spirits and all that gay shit. Trying to land myself a retarded one, on the other hand, proved to be a formidable challenge. Luckily I'm a fucking genius and recalled a little lesson that one John Steinbeck taught me about our gentle friends. My work was almost done...

The rabbit was a much more successful lure than I expected, and, heartbreaking as it was, I had to tell an entire bus full of autistic Sioux children that they were all woefully tone-deaf. Spiderman's uncle once warned me about something like this... Lame references aside, I soon found my three special little guys and milked those bastards for all they're worth. They won't see a dime.

Yeah fuck you too, little girl.

For a bunch of idiots, they sure knew their way around the ones and twos... Here's what they came up with:

TRTI by el sid

Wow, that was a bad idea! Guess that clears things up for me!